This Dad of mine, pt. 2

Papa, papi, dada, daddy, whatever you want to call them, for a 2nd episode we give the floor to the darlings. Testimonials from fathers from all walks of life.

Listen to the episode:

Translated transcript

" What I'd like my children to remember about their father was that he wasn't perfect, but he was always willing to make an effort."

" My father-in-law, he's like a father to me. "

" You, as a father, have to be there. You have to encourage. You have to participate. You have to be there. " 

" So it's very, very, very important to me: presence, protection and provision. "

"He's my father [...], but what I went through with my brother, my grandfather and my uncle, it's not comparable."

Papa, papi, baba, daddy... whatever their names, today at Odyans, we're giving voice to our old men. Testimonials from fathers from all walks of life.

In the previous episode, we met Hervé, the father of two young children. Hervé explained how, for him, fatherhood began with deep introspection. Let's hear more.  

"I had to question myself. I say to myself, society seems to have always been built around a pattern to follow: you go to school, you get your diploma, you get a job, you get married, you have a house, you have children afterwards. After I got married, my wife and I spent four years trying to have our first child. Then, during the four years of trying, that's when I started asking myself questions. Is it because I shouldn't have children? Is that why I don't have any? As a Christian, you tell yourself that a child is a blessing. So if I don't have any, is it because I can't have any? What's stopping me? I had to ask myself questions about my personality type. And that's when I realized that I had character weaknesses: either too choleric, or impatient. That's when I began to wonder where this was coming from and why I wouldn't want to replicate it if I had children. I realized that yes, I wanted children, but that I had to work on myself before I could have any. I think it's a work in progress to want them and to know why I wanted them too. I can tell you, the reason I'm impatient is because I was repeating things I've seen. How my father reacted to certain situations. Then I realized that I reacted the same way. For example, if my child spills his glass of milk, how am I going to react? Am I going to freak out? Am I going to be like, "OK, that's okay, you didn't do it on purpose, you're a kid, it's normal." But that's when I asked myself how I can manage not to replicate that in my life as a father, as a husband. It takes practice, patience, love and gratitude for the fact that you have a child, because it's not an acquired right, not everyone has the right to have a child. For me, it's a blessing to have children. I didn't want to have to go through moments where I would traumatize my child and later on, he would resent me. I really don't want that kind of situation.

In 2024, what kind of father should we be? The fun guy who plays with the kids? The strict daron, there to keep order? The provider, who puts all his energy into work to pay the bills? The involved one, who goes to every meeting, every practice, every game? For Kenny, another dad we met in the previous episode, it comes down to what he calls "the three Ps".

"The first P is present. I think a man should always be present. I try to be as present as possible for my wife and daughter. Not just in the house, but in their lives and psychologically too. Because sometimes, we know that some fathers are present in the house, but have no relationship with them. So I try to be as present as possible. Eventually, when she grows up and has activities, it's extremely important for me to be there. So I have to either have a job, or my own business from which I can take time off to go to a ballet activity or whatever. For me, it's very, very, very important to be there. As for the second thing, protection, I have to protect both my wife and my daughter. They have to have that feeling of security, of assurance. For women, we know it's extremely important. For my daughter, I try to be as present as possible and protect her. And the third P is to provide. As we know, it's often the man who provides for his family. I think that, once again, comes from our biblical Christian background. And I think it's still very relevant today to provide for all their different needs, not only financially, but emotionally too. So, once again, it comes down to presence. If she wants something, I want to be able to give it to her. Then it's the same for my wife so far, then eventually for my daughter. Maybe not if she wants 10 things, but if she wants one, two or three, I have to be able to give it to her. So it's very, very, very important to me: presence, protection and provision."

When you listen to them, you sense that our millennial dads put a lot of emphasis on presence: being there for their children, participating in what's going on in their lives.

Interviewer: "Did you see that growing up, a dad coming to your basketball practices?"

Kenny: "No, absolutely not. My father never came to any game, any practice, any school, anything. But did I see him at other kids' games? I could say yes. Then I thought it was nice. I mean, you know, you're there, you're playing, and then you hear your dad yelling in the crowd. I think it's really something quite special. So I say to myself, I've got to be there. I have to be there.

"You, as a father, have to be there. You have to encourage. You have to participate. You have to be there." 

The voice you hear is Jean-Philippe, father to an adult daughter and a teenage son. He is explaining how, when his daughter was little, he made a point of taking her to figure skating lessons. Standing in the stands with the other parents. Attending competitions, etc.

"That's one thing you say. "Yeah, but we didn't get that. I would have liked to have done this, I would have liked to have had that..." Me, all I heard was [in Haitian Creole] "have you ever seen a young black boy on TV?" My father was constantly sitting on his sofa, all he liked to do was watch wrestling. Wrestling would come on TV and he'd get on board. You could see that for the gran moune, this violence is reality. Extracurricular activities didn't exist before. In elementary school, we had outings for like $5. I remember one year, it was hard, there was me and my sister, we were the only ones at school. Everyone else went on outings. For $10 in total. They'd find things for us to do. We had to go to school. There was no staying home. At the end of the day, you don't want your child to go through that. And with all the social pressure, with everything we hear, you know, you don't want to fall into that. You don't want people talking about you as if you didn't take care of your child."

What do our dads rely on to know how to act with their children? For many, it starts with faith. As Kenny says:

"I'm a Christian. So that's definitely number one. Trusting what the Bible says is a priority. And it's definitely something I want to pass on to my daughter, that's for sure. So my wife and I, our foundations are Christian first."

And their own fathers, of course. After all, the term "father figure" isn't used for nothing: a father's role is central. But sometimes, that role is filled by others. Grandparents, for example. In our community, grandparents are often part of a child's upbringing. Many of us grew up with our grandparents in the house. They looked after us when our parents were away, either for work or whatever. They helped out around the house. And of course, they helped make us who we are. For example, Jonathan, whom we met in the previous episode:
"One of my grandfather's principles that I'd like to keep or pass on to Josh. I think it's respect. Like... My grandfather wasn't a very talkative person, but respect, people gave it to him without having to interact, and he asked that respect be given to others as well. And I think that was a good thing in a way too, because no matter what, the people who came to see him or the people when I could go out with him, either he always gave respect to the other person or the other person always gave respect. I think that's an important thing. Especially since he's my grandfather, I've lived with him all my life in a sense. He's always been there. There are certain things that, yes, I would have liked, but that also comes from recipes. For example, little recipes for when you're sick, he was the one who made them. The little health woods, things like that. It's little things I try to give Josh too, in a way. Then I try to remember the little things he used to say to me. For example, I'm trying to remember, but it's like when we were going out, he'd tell me to be careful. It's just that little thing. If I left the house and didn't come back the next day, I'd tell him. If I wasn't talking to my mother, I'd tell him. I'd say how I'm out, I'm not coming home until tomorrow. I don't know if it's this side of respect because I was with him. If he's worried about me, it's going to be a problem for me, especially if something happens to me. My responsibility was always to have some respect for him and to tell him what I was doing or whatever. Even, for example, when my mother died, he went to a nursing home. I'd gone on vacation with my girlfriend, and that was the first thing, I was like, I can't leave and not tell him. Then I went to see him, then I told him, I'm going to such and such a place, I'll be back at such and such a time. Then, you know, it's not like I needed his approval, but it was the respect I had for him. I was like, no, if I do something, I have to say it no matter what. That's one of the biggest values I remember."

The same goes for Hervé. He too remembers his grandfather.

"Even during the winter, he'd go out and get Harvey's or McDonald's for me. I remember one of the things my grandfather did was buy me my first suit. Not a ready-made suit from Walmart, no, a tailored one, made by an Italian, with good fabric. He was the kind of person who wanted his grandchildren to be comfortable and look good. I want the same thing for my children. I want them to be well, not just physically, but emotionally. I want them to remember that I'm always going to go out of my way to make sure that that aspect of their lives, whether it's their physical comfort or their emotional comfort, they're going to have with me."

In addition to their lepè, as they say, our dads draw inspiration from many other father figures they've seen. Both in life and on TV. Once again, Jonathan :

"It may sound far-fetched, but like TV shows, different series you may have watched, we'll say Fresh Prince. It's like manners, it's the things that Dr. Phil could give Will or his kids too [...] I could also say my grandfather and my Uncle Marques. I wasn't with him all the time, but he had a way of raising his girls. I could see how he worked, but you knew why he worked so hard. It was to give the best to his children. His wife too, we agree, but having four children, four daughters, he worked even harder too, so they wouldn't be dependent. That was in his speeches too. My grandfather too: twelve children - it's crazy, - the fact that he came here [to Canada, editor's note], the way he managed his children, how he communicated with them, or how he behaved as a man, as a father figure, - I think they had a big impact on me. I'd say that my brother too, at a certain point, the discipline he could have with his children, the guidance he tried to give. Take it or leave it. We all agree that not every child is the same, so not every family is the same either. That's where I'd say I got the most inspiration.

Father figures we don't talk about enough: stepfathers. There are lots of guys out there who raise kids, who instill values in them, who devote themselves to them, even if they don't have the same blood. And they too are sources of inspiration. Take, for example, Jérémie, another of the dads in our previous episode:

"For real, without exaggerating, this is where I say God is really great. Because there are a lot of people who cry because they didn't have a father. Like me, I didn't have my biological father. But thanks to God, I had better than that. No disrespect. I still talk to my father. But I became a man, I have good values and everything thanks to my stepfather. He's the one who really made me understand life, like. Then he showed me, like: "Watch me do it". That's also why I consider myself a good dad, because I make good decisions, because I've seen a man do it, make good decisions, put his children's lives first. How can I put it? That's it, that's it. He put his values in place. When I screw up, I screw up myself because I've been taught well. My father-in-law is like a father to me. He's like a father to me. Just not biologically speaking. In my misfortune, I was very lucky because he changed my life, my little brother's life and my mother's life. We had a father."

Are you seeing what I'm seeing? It seems that whether your father was there or not determines the kind of father you're going to be. Either your dad was there when you were a kid, and you want to be like him or not at all. Or he wasn't around when you were growing up, and you don't want to be like him either. Listen to Jérémie for example:

"My father wasn't really there. But despite that, I still saw him as Superman. I always wanted to be with him. So what I'm doimg now is using that with my son. I see how he sticks to me everywhere and I give him that feeling. I'm there, I take him everywhere, you know? But I'm always there, we're always together. I want him to experience it. That way, at least, if at some point, like, I'm going to be able to see if there's a difference for real. Was it just me wanting my dad to be there or is the fact that I'm there really going to make a difference in how my son is going to be?" 

Whatever their parenting model, all our dads insist on the importance of effort and sacrifice for their children. We leave the final word to Hervé, who truly sums up this vision:

"What I'd like my children to remember about their father was that he wasn't perfect, but he was always willing to make an effort. In the sense that I don't know everything. I don't know how to do everything. I don't understand everything, but I'm always going to make an effort to understand, I'm always going to make an effort to adapt to them, I'm always going to make an effort to be there for them. I will always make an effort to give them what they need. I'm going to make sacrifices. That's what I want them to remember."

Legal deposit, Bibliothèque et Archives nationales du Québec, 2024